Another old sonnet that fits the mood.

[jaydee]

Tonight I've been reading up on various things. Mostly Hellenistic mathematics, which I have no poems for. But also partly some discussion on the art of pick-up, which was interesting, and which I can almost relate to the subject of a poem I've written. Almost:

I lie awake on cold and empty nights
and although sleep is yet to come, I dream.
Of how I wish things were. A single theme
pervades these thoughts, the same my pen now writes.
Oh, how I miss relationships! The heights.
The lows. A kiss. Embraces that just seem
to be too short. To talk 'til dawn does gleam.
I even envy other couples' fights -
There's naught that I don't wish that I still had.
and yet what foolish thoughts are these of mine,
For even not alone, I'd still be sad.
Were I together with a girl so fine
the merest sight of her could make men glad,
For sure I'd find some reason still to whine.

Comments

[tofa]

The first half is quite well written. The rhythm is in full blush and almost bursting at the seams. An extension of the imagery used in the first half would be good. The change of tack at "I even envy other couples' fights" seems too rapid for me. But what am I typing? You have written another phenomenally decent poem.

[jaydee]

Hmmm. I guess technically the change of tack comes a line early, but that's better than I usually manage.